Before we getting more democratic, can you treat us more democratic.

The great paradox is that China is a so called dictatorship country, so she deserves no good, ironically US has pledged a great fair and democracy, but the truth is that USA is the great dictator of our world, its roughness and arbitrary has already hurt so many, the people of Vietnam, Afghanistan, the killing and the hurts, leaved so many broken hearts uncured. the great bias on the countries they don’t practice democracy, or just simply because they didn’t like US, but actually, who should be like you, every country deserves a thrive, every people deserves an equal treat, no matter where they come from, what kind of ideology they believe.

Every country was born for a great difference. Nowadays US has gone for good or bad, things have getting crazy and crazy, the bully on Huawei, on the Chinese technology companies,  have getting worse and worse, so the USA think they know better than Chinese people themself, and treat China like a trash, the great karma is, there always bite you back, I think before China becomes even  more democratic, why can’t US treat the country which different with more democratic, when things turns ugly and before China reach the point, why can’t USA comes to have a help rather a great hurt.In which the action will leaves so many people unemployed and wage losses, and makes the poor even more poor, or USA has never cared. US only wants to make sure there will be no one better than America, I think that’s a great shame, and we human beings will deeply condemn it, and greatly against it, now and forever, when the day comes, US should believe one thing, there has no so called democracy, the only thing there have is a great power control gamble, and the vote is a great shame, until one day, even the vote right can’t cover the great discrepancy between the rich and the extremely poor, the great fakeness behind face, only one thing is clear ,that the so called democracy has never come, even in the America. If the bully is a thing included in the democracy, I guess, we human beings have never done right.

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Summer we belong

For every life, seek the light,I am listening the song For Emma, we shared summer, you came to my life, the time I got ill, in the hospital, you saw me, then you searched me on the social network, you send me message humbly”I saw you.” I have to say, I love the way you talk to me, the time I isolated myself away from the line, you are the sun cross the mist in the mountain, a recluse, find something really worth to have, that’s your massage, I replied”where?” “in the hospital, I am in crash with you.” that was the summer. I was afriad you will leave me when you finally get me. I will our love could last, finally, I could always remember you when the summer comes, and I know you were gone, and I never wanna ask, and not even once, I have nothing but the memories, the most wonderful things you have lefted me, more than the pain and pleasure of the love, love not just love, it is everything and finally nothing, and all I have is this summer we once belonged.

River flows, I got a long walk, willows all around.

 

无人的时候

“你有什么压力可以和我讲,毕竟我们一起高潮过。”听歌曲唱到“Do you need more”时,我还在床上,一个人。电影《绝美之城》开场的派对,孤独的时候最喜欢看。“奶奶,你对衰老有什么感受?”“奇怪的问题,老了就是精力没有年轻的时候好了。”“喜欢年轻的时候还是老了的时候?”“当然是喜欢年轻的时候,谁不喜欢呢。”空气中都是尘埃,是不礼貌的提问,可是知道结果的时候,心里还是一阵刺痛。“还是要找个朋友。”最怕听到的话,像在胸口割了一刀。做爱反而很容易,可能是都有需求?我总觉得爱应该是无目的,深爱的人,反而不敢开口问一句“你还好吧?”把一切留在回忆里。我走过你家楼下的那个夏天。我穿的也是这件白色背心。去吃了一碗杂酱面,再上楼来找你,我们都无言,夏日的阳光穿进你的房间。你也很小心,怕我不喜欢。“我看了你一个晚上。”我听后很震惊,很想说“我爱你。”“我爱你,就当一天的情侣也好吧”,你对我说。“我爱你,老公。”“亲一个。”我当然是真心的,永远都是。

回去的出租车上,经过长江大桥的时候,世界真大,我以为机会有很多,但只想和你一起。眼泪不知觉留下来,司机在前面,我戴了墨镜,看着太阳,看了很久,曾经看新闻报道有人从长江跳下去,极恐怖的一幕。平时最喜欢去司门口看长江。“听说一起走过长江大桥的人,后来一定会分手。”当然是最荒谬的玩笑话,听后心里也不免一阵心酸,最怕想起你的时候,长江从心里流过去,是生命里最美又最痛的时候。岸边有个男子,下水游泳,似乎要横渡,水流遄疾,他游了很久只往东漂流了些距离,长江东流,他看了很触目。夕阳暗淡的暖光,是武汉最温柔的时候,他很心痛。

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My Happy Daydreams

春风吹过身边的时候,武汉下起了夜雨。

心里涌过一阵巨大的浪,还是熟悉的城市,武汉是一个施工现场,有位韩国朋友见到此景总是不停录像。

一路走来,独我一人,也许因为路边是农业大学的缘故,围栏里是作物。这是我的武汉吗,空城,路边有个抗议的牌匾,我忍不住多看了两眼。

宇带我去一个商场吃饭,有露台,走到露台的入口,红色到蓝色的灯带洒在身上,我以为到了香港太平山顶的the peak,哥曾带我去的那个香港。

the little patio,小小的露台,微凉的晚风。

nothing but conservative.

路上车来车往,轰——轰——

“武汉就是车来车往的声音,震撼人心,我反倒觉得心安。”

你微笑没有做声,武汉的夜雨停了,是最美的时候,生命中最美的时刻,我背着电脑和相机,走了那么久的路,我也不太累,我喜欢武汉这样,安静又震撼,拥挤又孤独。

我也和你一样,拥挤又孤独,却也不那么……孤独。在北京的时候,我听sentimental sunshine,迷迷糊糊的睡着了,我好像梦见了你。

我是个被动的人。窗外的胡同外是刺痛的冬阳。

北国的冬天没有下雪,快五月了,武汉还像冬天一样,今年倒是这么冷。

一笑。

I’m okay with that.

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there has a quote says “always be yourself, express yourself, have faith in yourself.” I am not saying it is a chicken soup words, but it really works for me, sometimes I was so low, I just cannot out, the words matters.Yesterday, I was saw a video of UK parliment debate of the questions of the primer minister, the labour party’s leader Jeremy Corbyn said “the conservative made poorer even poorer.” with a powerful and haertily feeling, the May hit back with a even more powerful words ” the only way to get them out of the poverty is puting more money into thier pocket, not more tax, and we will never let it happen…” I was impressed.

I am not a politic addicted person, somtimes things like that remind me there have another way to deliver a fairer world….may it be.

也许吧

英文中把千载难逢叫做once in a blue moon,难得一见的蓝色月亮。有时为中文感到不甘,千载难逢这个词实在太美了。以前看蒙克的画,心里总是莫名的安静,虽然他的画作后期偏向夸张的表现主义(expressionism),黑白的版画,维多利亚时代的卧病在床式样的画作,当时颇为流行,有黛玉葬花之感,生了痨病,只能卧病在床,是当时的绝症,因此请熟练的画者前来临摹最后的姿样,是最好的写真练习材料,没有什么比生病更适合静止的事,仿佛早已死了。“生命在于运动。”每次初中体育课都看到的标题。“生命在于静止。”一阵大笑。蒙克曾写信给朋友说“大家不能理解我的画作,但我必须忠于我自己,喝醉后,我看到的酒杯,是扭曲的,我因此画的扭曲的酒杯,我无法背叛我自己的感觉。我必须画出我自己的感觉。”

我有段时间在武汉的街头穿行,从东湖到江夏,我喜欢哪种自由的感觉,带上相机,后来才发现,照相,是另一种生活,没有了它,我就没有了意义。看新闻英国退欧,进行到第三次meaningful vote,仍是失败,不禁觉得有时候世界就是那么自由,什么都可以存在,也许我们只能接受,微笑,也许也不一定要接受。

曾经总是说,想要meaningful的生活,后来觉得,似乎没有什么意义,也许,这也是一种意义吧。

As time goes by

As we have been told that we should writing dairy every day, we take this action into a useless and painfully routine, hard to say so, but it is hard to me.

I remember so many days, as time passed away, time leaves us nothing but lingering memories. We were happy, somedays life turns into blue. I fall in loved so many times, I had so many men, they goes stright into my body, and also into my heart, I used to searching for something, when the night come, the light turns off, the pale light. grass and flowers decorating the roadside, little by little, we just walk around hillside, there are three of us, it was the right time, we were so young, that really means something, and really means life, It looks like we are really living.

Then, you have find a man, who treat you harshly, I can offer nothing but compassionate, I am a gay, I can also help me nothing but a self-compassion, sometimes, I guess, this is the life, we meant to be like this, with such a painful journey, we suffers in our early 20s, yes, we are young, also means new and stupid sometimes, but it dosen’t mean we couldn’t enjoy it, we do truely value it.

It just like, we are at the middle of the day, everything is heating up and then falling down, no matter what we are, we are who we are.

曾经的夜

I was so sad to walk along with you. Because I was so eger to be with you.

我又去了那条街,曾陪你去检测身体。盛夏的午后,我让你擦了防晒霜。你去检测HIV,工作人员很淡然。疾控正在装修,走廊全白,地上堆着施工残渣,精致的废墟。

“别看着我,不然别人以为我们发生了……”不知道为什么,我那天很激动…

可能因为那个中年检测员用斜眼看着我们。

你倒是没有生气,反而安慰似的,对我微笑,似乎也无可奈何。

后来再想起,心里都很难过,算bitersweet。

流了很多汗。“不能检测”中年女性张口说,我陪你另去了一家医院。

路经一家水果店。“你如果开家水果店就好了,应该很适合你。”你对我说。

后来你的结果是阴性,我们都松了口气。那张单子我一直都留着。

后来不经意翻到了,总会想起你来。

总会想起你来。

Love

你一定记得,我写在纸上的那句“Je t’amie”,也许不记得。夏日的晚风吹过我的耳边,在我的耳机里,放着歌,正好唱到……“So I heard you found somebody else, And at first, I thought it was a lie.”

But it wasn’t a lie. 夜幕下的远方,高速公路上的车灯照亮的公路,来来往往,像划过的火柴轨迹,只是黑夜里,只有黑色的天空而已,火柴照不亮不该照亮的天空。人的爱温暖不了衣柜里黑暗的角落,不管多想靠近那个角落。

远方的楼梯,粉笔灰在墙上写着不知道的电话号码,红色防坠的铁丝网,把下午的阳光切割成碎片,从此阳光再也照不到一起,留下斑驳的,灰色的阴影。楼下面是绿色的田地,我站在,阳光照不到的角落。

从此无人的夜里,我睡不着也醒不来。

Now and then

Life is meant to be lived, once we have been taught that we should never expect something unreal, our life has been turning into to a black hole, beautiful leaves flowing on the water, the water waving, leaves me nothing but thoughtfulness. the far away of the water, sky is kissing the surface of the water, the water waving, my heart too. I have never expect something unreal,and all I have, is my ownself, I am not like a strange person walking on a strange road. People differs.

When the cherry flowers bloomed, it’s early spring, I can always remember the days I am in Wuhan, a populated city in Central China, the Yangtze River flows through the city center, once upon a time, I was standing beside the river, I feel can see the world in a different way, suddenly, I feel I am alive, a unprecedentedly thrill. Someday,I am siting beside the working table, and I checked my email inbox, I saw nothing but advertisement mails, I knew exactly one thing, the gone, is gone. And I, have to go. Now and then.

Although, I missed you so much. Like the winter, suffering from the cold, I can through the winter, waiting the melting of the ice, when you came in, I can see you again, but I have never expect it, at least in the real world, you know, it’s just in my heart.