也许吧

英文中把千载难逢叫做once in a blue moon,难得一见的蓝色月亮。有时为中文感到不甘,千载难逢这个词实在太美了。以前看蒙克的画,心里总是莫名的安静,虽然他的画作后期偏向夸张的表现主义(expressionism),黑白的版画,维多利亚时代的卧病在床式样的画作,当时颇为流行,有黛玉葬花之感,生了痨病,只能卧病在床,是当时的绝症,因此请熟练的画者前来临摹最后的姿样,是最好的写真练习材料,没有什么比生病更适合静止的事,仿佛早已死了。“生命在于运动。”每次初中体育课都看到的标题。“生命在于静止。”一阵大笑。蒙克曾写信给朋友说“大家不能理解我的画作,但我必须忠于我自己,喝醉后,我看到的酒杯,是扭曲的,我因此画的扭曲的酒杯,我无法背叛我自己的感觉。我必须画出我自己的感觉。”

我有段时间在武汉的街头穿行,从东湖到江夏,我喜欢哪种自由的感觉,带上相机,后来才发现,照相,是另一种生活,没有了它,我就没有了意义。看新闻英国退欧,进行到第三次meaningful vote,仍是失败,不禁觉得有时候世界就是那么自由,什么都可以存在,也许我们只能接受,微笑,也许也不一定要接受。

曾经总是说,想要meaningful的生活,后来觉得,似乎没有什么意义,也许,这也是一种意义吧。

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As time goes by

As we have been told that we should writing dairy every day, we take this action into a useless and painfully routine, hard to say so, but it is hard to me.

I remember so many days, as time passed away, time leaves us nothing but lingering memories. We were happy, somedays life turns into blue. I fall in loved so many times, I had so many men, they goes stright into my body, and also into my heart, I used to searching for something, when the night come, the light turns off, the pale light. grass and flowers decorating the roadside, little by little, we just walk around hillside, there are three of us, it was the right time, we were so young, that really means something, and really means life, It looks like we are really living.

Then, you have find a man, who treat you really badly, I can offer nothing for help, because I am a gay, I also can not help myself sometimes, I also been treated badly and suffered so many pains in my early 20s, yes, young also means new and stupid sometimes, but even so, we do truely value it.

It just like, we are the noontime of the day, no matter what happend, we have only to forbear that.

曾经的夜

I was so sad to walk along with you. Because I was so eger to be with you.

我又去了那条街,曾陪你去检测身体。盛夏的午后,我让你擦了防晒霜。你去检测HIV,工作人员很淡然。疾控正在装修,走廊全白,地上堆着施工残渣,精致的废墟。

“别看着我,不然别人以为我们发生了……”不知道为什么,我那天很激动…

可能因为那个中年检测员用斜眼看着我们。

你倒是没有生气,反而安慰似的,对我微笑,似乎也无可奈何。

后来再想起,心里都很难过,算bitersweet。

流了很多汗。“不能检测”中年女性张口说,我陪你另去了一家医院。

路经一家水果店。“你如果开家水果店就好了,应该很适合你。”你对我说。

后来你的结果是阴性,我们都松了口气。那张单子我一直都留着。

后来不经意翻到了,总会想起你来。

总会想起你来。

Love

你一定记得,我写在纸上的那句“Je t’amie”,也许不记得。夏日的晚风吹过我的耳边,在我的耳机里,放着歌,正好唱到……“So I heard you found somebody else, And at first, I thought it was a lie.”

But it wasn’t a lie. 夜幕下的远方,高速公路上的车灯照亮的公路,来来往往,像划过的火柴轨迹,只是黑夜里,只有黑色的天空而已,火柴照不亮不该照亮的天空。人的爱温暖不了衣柜里黑暗的角落,不管多想靠近那个角落。

远方的楼梯,粉笔灰在墙上写着不知道的电话号码,红色防坠的铁丝网,把下午的阳光切割成碎片,从此阳光再也照不到一起,留下斑驳的,灰色的阴影。楼下面是绿色的田地,我站在,阳光照不到的角落。

从此无人的夜里,我睡不着也醒不来。

Now and then

Life is meant to be lived, once we have been taught that we should never expect something unreal, our life has been turning into to a black hole, beautiful leaves flowing on the water, the water waving, leaves me nothing but thoughtfulness. the far away of the water, sky is kissing the surface of the water, the water waving, my heart too. I have never expect something unreal,and all I have, is my ownself, I am not like a strange person walking on a strange road. People differs.

When the cherry flowers bloomed, it’s early spring, I can always remember the days I am in Wuhan, a populated city in Central China, the Yangtze River flows through the city center, once upon a time, I was standing beside the river, I feel can see the world in a different way, suddenly, I feel I am alive, a unprecedentedly thrill. Someday,I am siting beside the working table, and I checked my email inbox, I saw nothing but advertisement mails, I knew exactly one thing, the gone, is gone. And I, have to go. Now and then.

Although, I missed you so much. Like the winter, suffering from the cold, I can through the winter, waiting the melting of the ice, when you came in, I can see you again, but I have never expect it, at least in the real world, you know, it’s just in my heart.