A beautiful secret glance

I exchanged a secret glance with myself in the mirror and stood motionless. I was stunned by the memories brought to me with the perfume, not because of their clarity, but because they gathered together the whole long period. When we traveled to Hangzhou, a tiny loft room was the place we stayed, you were happy to talk about the future. I felt in my each minute that I had lived with you, and now our life together was whole as only the past can be whole. I was in a state of nostalgic.

When I was in Beijing it was hard to fall asleep that I had to listen some music for help, once when I heard a song named Sentimental sunshine, a kind of luxury hotel lounge music, I was not a fan before but then I was.

In a very fine morning of Beijing. “You are skinny now, you don’t have to be.” You said to me beside a subway station on the Fengtai of Beijing. I was speechless at the moment, then you suggested to hauling a cab, “Where would you like to go?””I have no idea.” “How about a massage therapy””I’m okay with that.”

We hugged on a alley of Beijing in the late night, a hug against eyesights of pedestrians’, “I like you.” you said to me. “It always took time to say the words like that in our mother language, but I cannot wait to say it to you, I like you, all the time.” I knew that all the time sometime means a periodical one, though, I was still satisfied with that,”I like you too.” I replied. We may never meet again, I know there is a river between us.

Roaming the streets of HK, the suitcase I brought was a bit heavy, I shouldn’t brought this, just a backpack is enough. A bitter smile fleeting through my face, I was following your path, a way went back to Shenzhen, winter in there always warm.

In a sea of people, I was searching for something. I can not stop to be nostalgic, but I take camera on, walk around as a part of the sea of people.

Roaming the open air marketplace where we shopped

A friend of mine told me that when she felt stressed a marketplace is the only cure, when people around, life cures life, at the moment people talking, walking she could finally relieved. It’s not a place for me, my place is my heart, my good heart. Skimming over the ocean, as time goes by, once I stood up on the beach of Zhoushan, I was fifteen, roaming the beach where we swam, the sky is blue, bottled water sold for 5 renminbi, a special price for visitors only, we bought some, for the sake of survive, to away from the thirsty. Seek the light of life, I don’t feel much, but sometimes not much is too much, I can’t stop thinking about the sour of life, without money and power, our routines turn to a fast draining boat. I was speechless, I always speechless.

A song lyric wrote “my mother said to me:”Don’t stop imaging. The day you do is the day you die.” I was been touched, I barely admit it, I’ve once stopped imaging the possibility of my life, fortunately, I grasped it again, with a heavy heart, I live in the past, partially, future is a way I barely think about it. I have no way to hide but forward.

I want to find you but surrounded by nothing, nothing surrounded by us. People never stop hurting, but I stood up, for myself, needless to say, I still dreaming, I dream it for my life.

I have a plan, my life is my life, you were part of it or not, it dosen’t matter, like a island separted from the mainland, we are the sea,the island that dotted in the ocean likes a little thought of mine, I hope you were there, always.

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Before we getting more democratic, can you treat us more democratic.

The great paradox is that China is so called a dictatorship country, so she deserves no good, ironically US has pledged a great fair and democracy, it’s powerful but also harmful, its roughness and arbitrary actions had already hurt so many, the people in Vietnam, Afghanistan and the killing in Yemen a proxy war backed by Saudi, leaved so many broken hearts uncured. the great bias on the countries they don’t practice democracy, or simply of they don’t obey the rule of US, were been abused, and are being abusing, every country deserves a thrive, every people deserves an equal treat,no matter where they were born or other pre-conditions, as we all know, democracy is not a thing that could changed in one night, it needs generations and generations to come, it’s hard but also demands bloodshed sacrifice, people who live under a dictatorship state, also more vulnerable, but the people in “free” countries are actually hurting them without knowing, and are abusing the people already more vulnerable.

Every country was born for a great difference. Nowadays US has gone for good or bad, things have getting crazy and crazy, the bullies on Huawei, and other Chinese technology companies,  have getting worse and worse, Washington thinks it knows China better than Chinese people themself, but why not US treat China more democratic before it becomes a more democratic country, just for the sake of people, if Washington really cares about the people, it should targets the government of China in Beijing, not the private company runs by Chinese people, a economic cold war will not help the people and will not help the government in Washington, and no one could win, in which action could leaves so many people unemployed and being homelessness, makes the poor even more poor, or  maybe US government had never cared, the leader of US government wants one thing that’s to secure an America dominated world, but we human beings deeply regret about it, it works fine in the past but now hurts, maybe in our world there has no real democracy at all, only gambles on the money and power, beside these, nothing have been cared, the great discrepancy between the rich and the poor, a vote cannot help, it’s a heart-broking thing but finally turns insolvency. Behind these scenes, only one thing is clear ,that is democracy has never come, even in the America. If the bully is really a thing included in our democracy, I guess we human beings have never done right.

Summer we belong

For every life, seek the light,I am listening the song For Emma, we shared summer, you came to my life, the time I got ill, in the hospital also the time you saw me. You searched me on the social network, send me a message with a humbled tone:”I saw you. can we have a date?” I must say, I love this way, that was the time I isolated myself away from the outside, you are the unblockable sunshine cross the mist of the mountain, a light stright forward, in to the heart, a recluse suddenly find something a really nice to have, that’s the power of love started from a little talk, “where have you saw me?” I replied with unsure.”in the hospital, I saw you and was in crash with you. I like you.” that was a time a ordinary summer turns a really special summer. I was afriad that you were a one night stand person, maybe you are. I want to find a love, because finally only love could last then, I could always remember the time that summer cames, we were all along, now, you were gone, I know it, and I never ask, not even once, nothing but memories, love not just love.

River flows, I got a long walk, willows all around, summer comes around, I love summer, because of it’s strong lights, like the love, makes you wake  also makes you strong, a cruel contrast.

无人的时候

“你有什么压力可以和我讲,毕竟我们一起高潮过。”听歌曲唱到“Do you need more”时,我还在床上,一个人。电影《绝美之城》开场的派对,孤独的时候最喜欢看。“奶奶,你对衰老有什么感受?”“奇怪的问题,老了就是精力没有年轻的时候好了。”“喜欢年轻的时候还是老了的时候?”“当然是喜欢年轻的时候,谁不喜欢呢。”空气中都是尘埃,是不礼貌的提问,可是知道结果的时候,心里还是一阵刺痛。“还是要找个朋友。”最怕听到的话,像在胸口割了一刀。做爱反而很容易,可能是都有需求?我总觉得爱应该是无目的,深爱的人,反而不敢开口问一句“你还好吧?”把一切留在回忆里。我走过你家楼下的那个夏天。我穿的也是这件白色背心。去吃了一碗杂酱面,再上楼来找你,我们都无言,夏日的阳光穿进你的房间。你也很小心,怕我不喜欢。“我看了你一个晚上。”我听后很震惊,很想说“我爱你。”“我爱你,就当一天的情侣也好吧”,你对我说。“我爱你,老公。”“亲一个。”我当然是真心的,永远都是。

回去的出租车上,经过长江大桥的时候,世界真大,我以为机会有很多,但只想和你一起。眼泪不知觉留下来,司机在前面,我戴了墨镜,看着太阳,看了很久,曾经看新闻报道有人从长江跳下去,极恐怖的一幕。平时最喜欢去司门口看长江。“听说一起走过长江大桥的人,后来一定会分手。”当然是最荒谬的玩笑话,听后心里也不免一阵心酸,最怕想起你的时候,长江从心里流过去,是生命里最美又最痛的时候。岸边有个男子,下水游泳,似乎要横渡,水流遄疾,他游了很久只往东漂流了些距离,长江东流,他看了很触目。夕阳暗淡的暖光,是武汉最温柔的时候,他很心痛。

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My Happy Daydreams

春风吹过身边的时候,武汉下起了夜雨。

心里涌过一阵巨大的浪,还是熟悉的城市,武汉是一个施工现场,有位韩国朋友见到此景总是不停录像。

一路走来,独我一人,也许因为路边是农业大学的缘故,围栏里是作物。这是我的武汉吗,空城,路边有个抗议的牌匾,我忍不住多看了两眼。

宇带我去一个商场吃饭,有露台,走到露台的入口,红色到蓝色的灯带洒在身上,我以为到了香港太平山顶的the peak,哥曾带我去的那个香港。

the little patio,小小的露台,微凉的晚风。

nothing but conservative.

路上车来车往,轰——轰——

“武汉就是车来车往的声音,震撼人心,我反倒觉得心安。”

你微笑没有做声,武汉的夜雨停了,是最美的时候,生命中最美的时刻,我背着电脑和相机,走了那么久的路,我也不太累,我喜欢武汉这样,安静又震撼,拥挤又孤独。

我也和你一样,拥挤又孤独,却也不那么……孤独。在北京的时候,我听sentimental sunshine,迷迷糊糊的睡着了,我好像梦见了你。

我是个被动的人。窗外的胡同外是刺痛的冬阳。

北国的冬天没有下雪,快五月了,武汉还像冬天一样,今年倒是这么冷。

一笑。

I’m okay with that.

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there has a quote says “always be yourself, express yourself, have faith in yourself.” I am not saying it is a chicken soup words, but it really works for me, sometimes I was so low, I just cannot out, the words matters.Yesterday, I was saw a video of UK parliment debate of the questions of the primer minister, the labour party’s leader Jeremy Corbyn said “the conservative made poorer even poorer.” with a powerful and haertily feeling, the May hit back with a even more powerful words ” the only way to get them out of the poverty is puting more money into thier pocket, not more tax, and we will never let it happen…” I was impressed.

I am not a politic addicted person, somtimes things like that remind me there have another way to deliver a fairer world….may it be.

也许吧

英文中把千载难逢叫做once in a blue moon,难得一见的蓝色月亮。有时为中文感到不甘,千载难逢这个词实在太美了。以前看蒙克的画,心里总是莫名的安静,虽然他的画作后期偏向夸张的表现主义(expressionism),黑白的版画,维多利亚时代的卧病在床式样的画作,当时颇为流行,有黛玉葬花之感,生了痨病,只能卧病在床,是当时的绝症,因此请熟练的画者前来临摹最后的姿样,是最好的写真练习材料,没有什么比生病更适合静止的事,仿佛早已死了。“生命在于运动。”每次初中体育课都看到的标题。“生命在于静止。”一阵大笑。蒙克曾写信给朋友说“大家不能理解我的画作,但我必须忠于我自己,喝醉后,我看到的酒杯,是扭曲的,我因此画的扭曲的酒杯,我无法背叛我自己的感觉。我必须画出我自己的感觉。”

我有段时间在武汉的街头穿行,从东湖到江夏,我喜欢哪种自由的感觉,带上相机,后来才发现,照相,是另一种生活,没有了它,我就没有了意义。看新闻英国退欧,进行到第三次meaningful vote,仍是失败,不禁觉得有时候世界就是那么自由,什么都可以存在,也许我们只能接受,微笑,也许也不一定要接受。

曾经总是说,想要meaningful的生活,后来觉得,似乎没有什么意义,也许,这也是一种意义吧。

As time goes by

As we have been told that we should writing dairy every day, we take this action into a useless and painfully routine, hard to say so, but it is hard to me.

I remember so many days, as time passed away, time leaves us nothing but lingering memories. We were happy, somedays life turns into blue. I fall in loved so many times, I had so many men, they goes stright into my body, and also into my heart, I used to searching for something, when the night come, the light turns off, the pale light. grass and flowers decorating the roadside, little by little, we just walk around hillside, there are three of us, it was the right time, we were so young, that really means something, and really means life, It looks like we are really living.

Then, you have find a man, who treat you harshly, I can offer nothing but compassionate, I am a gay, I can also help me nothing but a self-compassion, sometimes, I guess, this is the life, we meant to be like this, with such a painful journey, we suffers in our early 20s, yes, we are young, also means new and stupid sometimes, but it dosen’t mean we couldn’t enjoy it, we do truely value it.

It just like, we are at the middle of the day, everything is heating up and then falling down, no matter what we are, we are who we are.

曾经的夜

I was so sad to walk along with you. Because I was so eger to be with you.

我又去了那条街,曾陪你去检测身体。盛夏的午后,我让你擦了防晒霜。你去检测HIV,工作人员很淡然。疾控正在装修,走廊全白,地上堆着施工残渣,精致的废墟。

“别看着我,不然别人以为我们发生了……”不知道为什么,我那天很激动…

可能因为那个中年检测员用斜眼看着我们。

你倒是没有生气,反而安慰似的,对我微笑,似乎也无可奈何。

后来再想起,心里都很难过,算bitersweet。

流了很多汗。“不能检测”中年女性张口说,我陪你另去了一家医院。

路经一家水果店。“你如果开家水果店就好了,应该很适合你。”你对我说。

后来你的结果是阴性,我们都松了口气。那张单子我一直都留着。

后来不经意翻到了,总会想起你来。

总会想起你来。

Love

你一定记得,我写在纸上的那句“Je t’amie”,也许不记得。夏日的晚风吹过我的耳边,在我的耳机里,放着歌,正好唱到……“So I heard you found somebody else, And at first, I thought it was a lie.”

But it wasn’t a lie. 夜幕下的远方,高速公路上的车灯照亮的公路,来来往往,像划过的火柴轨迹,只是黑夜里,只有黑色的天空而已,火柴照不亮不该照亮的天空。人的爱温暖不了衣柜里黑暗的角落,不管多想靠近那个角落。

远方的楼梯,粉笔灰在墙上写着不知道的电话号码,红色防坠的铁丝网,把下午的阳光切割成碎片,从此阳光再也照不到一起,留下斑驳的,灰色的阴影。楼下面是绿色的田地,我站在,阳光照不到的角落。

从此无人的夜里,我睡不着也醒不来。