在香港的夜班巴士与武汉的夜巷

当地球得了痛症,冬天,成了巨大的冷库

“人生是一连串纵横捭阖的把戏,要研究,要时时刻刻的注意,一个人才能维持他优越的地位。”

坐在香港的夜班巴士上,冬天的香港不太冷,明穿一件黑色运动服,巴士开屯门,车上的人都睡了,他望着窗外,闪过几栋公屋,路边都是山景,有许多沿街广告牌。“申请破产,即日起停止追债。”一则破产的广告,看的出神。心里一阵剧痛。

天空好像是灰色的,天桥下的汽车,左边塞的满满的,右边却空空的。他走过天桥,准备叫车去

灰尘弥漫的夜晚,路上都是灰暗的拖车,像往生开来的车,巨大的声响似打战一样,比打仗还慌乱,生厌,灰夜里城市也不比战争残墟,没有同情可言。

明同贝达见面的时候,迟了些,看得出不愉快的神色,虽总会有理由来解释,但还是没出声,解释反而恶化,沉默。是什么样的人,只有自己知道,其余都不大相干。

贝达的眉毛有些粗,眼睛表达不满,声音粗但锋利,难以想象。问到明现在工作的怎么样,声如利刃。慌张,反而忍住。随口道“还好。”

“去吃些什么东西吧?”

“也可以,找个人多的地方。”

过马路时全部都是等待,路过的是装满灰尘的拖车。一辆一辆轰隆隆,没有尽头,仿佛整个城市在重生,所以需要大动干戈。似从死亡里堆出来的生命,人类文明也似沙滩上的蜃楼,幻灭如影,也没人太在意?或是因总可以再来?太阳有照射不到的角落。黑暗中,毁灭在进行中。或许最后总会有人记得,也许没人记得,后果也是暂时的,没有什么不是暂时的。无人的夜晚,只有货车在路上,明看到夜间开工的工地,好像一切都很赶,赶着完工,再赶着被毁灭?他站在路边,同初次见面的陌生人等红灯。

不吃了吧。

都脱口而出。

归途,空气中都是施工灰尘,不能呼吸,黄色的夜灯,照着马路上,像沙漠,夜的沙漠,滚滚而来的黄尘,武汉有时也像沙漠,黑暗的夜,一辆又一辆的车,明感觉像提前经历了一次,也许以前梦见过。

爱,在这寒冷黑暗的地方,没有一丝发芽的能力,许多年后想起,也不知道是不是曾真的爱过,或许人总该是孤独?

人们期望被更深入的了解,这个世界上,谁能真正了解谁?因此总是之在,愉快或不愉快过后,看着骑车离开的那个背影,连再见也不及说,说出来又仿佛太郑重,因此手也没抬起来。曾有人对明说,记得曾爱过你。再想起,总是在虚无缥缈间,这么大了,也不至太相信这些。生命中某个匆忙的夜晚,偶尔走过这荒流的人群,也许偶尔也疑心……是不是应该再看一次?

也许人生应该独自走,偶尔想起,也回过头来,微笑。距离隔的刚刚好,没太远也没有太近。

旧忆

去杭州的时候,只去了西湖,其他都寥寥。正好是周末,人潮汹涌。走上雷峰塔的时候, 我看到台阶上的电梯,不禁感叹。如同Rico看到黄鹤楼里的电梯时的感受。与时俱进?

俯瞰西湖。与在黄鹤楼时的感受一样,又想起在香港大佛寺上看到的纪念铭,买了串佛珠,店员同我用粤语讲多谢,不会粤语,也不适合讲英文,因此一阵沉默,突然自己也像默剧演员,只用眼神表达情感。

我也喜欢沉默不做声的微笑,就像你又从我身边走过,我也同你一起走。

在中国的夏天

情愿过夏天,总比冷天穿太多强。在北京的时候,有新闻媒体报道是最热的记录。倒是赶上了记录。溪对我说。总知道确实的热,但怕晒伤还是穿长袖长裤。路人倒没有惊奇。出故宫,有外客在景山公园问是否需门票”“。溪不想上山。你去,我在山下等你。一脸期待。景山有粗旷的地方,差点摔下来,我拍了几张照片,和其他中国的山丘并不不同,安静干枯。虽然40多度,却没太热,与干燥有关。

出颐和园的地铁站时韩国旅行团从身边经过,溪搭在我的肩膀走路,是干燥的热,只要喝水就能忍住,韩国人来中国旅行似乎都带宽檐帽,凉鞋。针叶林的花坛没有树荫,颐和园外有点像沙漠。你会忘记我吗正是夕阳下山的时候,人来人往的石路上,不会。我答到

溪喜欢看航拍中国的纪录片,总叫我也看,真漂亮。他喜欢看漂亮的酒店和名人的房子,也许是想安定下来,像海子的诗里写的一样。倒也是,喜欢看海子与顾城的诗,有德国早期浪漫主义的精神,但他们的精神世界都不太愉快,连浪漫派的德国诗人也是。看美国有作家写艺术家作为苦痛的榜样,不禁惘然若失,一笑。有次在电视听到人民群众对美好生活的向往。虽是在平常不过的话,但觉得也很平实。我曾看过一个纪录片,是一位独身的老人,虽然坚强,可我看了很伤心,我不能一个人。溪对我说。

路过使馆区,有家波斯餐馆,人来人往,各国旗帜飘扬,错以为在古代的长安。其实我也怕。看华盛顿邮报报道美国农村的孤寡老人,照片中神色暗淡,也不难想他们觉得让美国再次伟大是最后希望,虽然是最道地的民族精神,可人总需要一种依靠。

喜欢坐公交车,看车窗外行人来来往往,正在最美的年纪,歌曲在最美的片段,戴着墨镜,留下的眼泪也不太担心。有多少恨就有多少爱。宇喜欢唱五月天的温柔。大学寝室可以看到天主堂的十字架,上坡路,每次归途,都像登山,反倒很快乐。

大学在郊外,去市中心需1个小时,反倒像去另外的城市,每次归途,车上的人都睡眼朦胧。宇喜欢听张悬的《宝贝》。我要窒息了,车上的人都不开窗。虹林对我说,是冬天的时候,没人开窗,怕冷。末班车,下车的话,后果不可想象,荒山野岭,长路漫漫,不知归途。我要下车了,不然我活不下去了。师傅,下车。虹林不停的喘气,终于好了些,实在是忍不住她回过气来办法比困难多,她说道。拦了面包车回程,车上寂然,拥挤,汗味,算最本真的生活,虽然冒险,却很快乐。有次在归程的末班车上听到《宝贝》是宇最喜欢的歌,起初以为是谁的手机响了不接,后来才知是汽车广播,但车上没有人做声,路过的街灯明明暗暗,像最粗糙的蒙太奇,却是最震撼的画面,我看着车窗上自己的倒影,以为青春可以永远都在,是最痛苦的梦想,因为不想失去它,所以这一刻永远都记得。

喜欢年轻的时候还是年老的时候?”“这是什么问题,当然是年轻的时候。奶奶听到这问题也忍不住笑了。老了就是精力没有以前好了。最喜欢夏天,是精神最好的时候。海明威记忆中的非洲,阳光明媚刺目,狮子在海岸徘徊。

自己的夜光

电影中,来自美国丹佛的邮递员去巴黎度假,已然五十有余,独有一条小狗相伴,“麻烦请问有餐馆推荐吗”当地人友善的推荐了家中餐馆,走过巴黎熙攘的公园,深夏的巴黎像梵高的向日癸,炽烈,清然,“我独身一人,却在这个时刻,突然觉得,我爱你,巴黎。“她反不像五十岁,像二十岁。最深爱的一刻。人老了,心为身缚,成了时间的俘虏。”我现在二十岁。“一位老人说,”身体是我的牢房。“

王摩诘有诗云“语笑且为乐,吾将达此生。”无人的时候,一个人看书,看到同感之处也不禁微笑,那么容易满足,有些不敢相信。重读红楼梦时,总被香菱的达观感动,为学诗而借书学习,算浪漫的人生,谁又能说中国人不懂浪漫,虽算最痛切的一种,浪漫给自己看。

“你是否觉得我们可以教人去爱?” 许久的沉默“不能”一位母亲回答。“也许我们只能让人习惯于某种联系,但不能教他去爱。爱就是爱,当然他永远都是我的儿子,但我不能教他去爱。”是美国公共广播的采访。听后总觉得很寂然,也似这拉长的沉默一般。

这世界总有阳光照不到的角落,许多个夜晚,夜光照进窗来,想,这世界上的误会这样多,实在是懒得去解释,也许不过意的事情立刻就该说出来,不然只是徒然伤情。

偶然看到“网络消失(Ghosting)”指觉得不合适但不说,只是沉默不做声,这当然是网络时代的新现象。或许觉得连说”我们不合适“的必要都没有?爱情当然没有那么容易,不过在礼仪缺乏的时代,许多不必要的自痛,也许可以免了,算是预防针。真正爱的人总不会不联系太容易失去联系,爱与不爱,也不是这么快,转瞬之间,总是早已有了底。也许生命里的相遇只是数学上两条直线的交点,再想起,也当然是最美最特别的点。

“喜欢看你微笑时候的样子”曾有人对我说。

“老了就是精力不及以前了。”奶奶说着也微笑了。

Roaming the Open-air Marketplace Where We Shopped

A friend of mine had once told me that when she felt stressed, a marketplace would be the only cure. She likes to walk in the open air marketplaces that was sort of the ‘birth place’ of her childhood memory, and it had shaped her way of living in her early twenty something. When people were around, life cures life. At that moment when people talking and walking, she could finally feel relieved. It’s not a place for me, my place for relieving is remaining unclear. Skimming over the ocean, I stood up on the beach of Zhoushan where the pier is always busy for seafood trading and the boats moored in the harbor are waiting for a sailing to fish, I was fifteen. Roaming the beach where we had swam the sky was blue. There bottled water sold then was charging for 10 renminbi- a special price sold for visitors only even though we had better buy some and we must buy some without considering the price that had been overcharged for the sake of surviving and away from the thirsty. To seek the light of life, I can’t feel much. Sometimes not much is too much. I can’t stop thinking about the sour of life. Without money and power, our daily routines could turn to a fast draining boat. I was speechless in the circumstance of continuing fighting for a way of being that I had always been speechless. There was A song line I’ve heard that goes “my mother said to me: “Don’t stop imaging. The day you do is the day you die.” I had been touched though I barely admit it. I’ve once stopped imaging the possibility of my life, fortunately, I regrasped ability of reconstructing and reimagining for the future ahead again. With a heavy heart, I have been living in the past for a long time, partially, because the future is a way I barely think about. I have no way to hide but forward.I want to find you but surrounded by nothing, nothing surrounded by us. People would never stop hurting, but I have stood up just for myself. Needless to say, I am still dreaming for my life. I have a plan that is my life is my life so you were part of it or not, it doesn’t matter. it is like an island separated from the mainland as we are the sea as the island that dotted in the ocean likes thoughts of ours standing on the ocean. I have always hoped you would be there to stay with me, someday.

Before Emerging Nations Getting More Democratic, A Democratically Shaped Strategy Is Needed.

The paradox of democracy about China is that because it is a pseudo-dictatorship or one-rule state, it deserves no good. Ironically speaking, the US has pledged to maintain a fairer and democratic world for a long time that people have all believed that a real thing without doubting. Then comes the reality. Currently this pledge may remain a powerful one but it has been showing to be weakened as recent policy like America First implemented for its own gain has started to crack its relations with some emerging nations.

The rough and arbitrary military actions, performed by this government, had hurt so many people, not only who live in the Vietnam and Afghanistan but also in Yemen, and caused a trail of catastrophic tragedies and war crimes. The killings of ordinary citizens, which had happened not only in Yemen during its civil war converted into a proxy war backed by Saudi but also in Iraq and other places with different forms, had left many broken hearts uncured, some of whom lost their beloved ones struggled to find ways to survive. There the power of interventional policies implemented to global community against countries that don’t act democratically has been abused.

Every country deserves to thrive though there is no guarantee of that. And every single person’s basic rights need to be respected. Additionally an equal treatment for all is needed, which means respecting the universal declaration of human rights. We know democracy is not a thing that could happen over night especially in emerging nations. Instead it demands generation over generation’s efforts to make it come into shape. Mostly, not only hard-working is needed but maybe bloodsheds, too. Folks under dictatorial reign are on the verge of a vulnerable situation. But the people who live in the “freed” countries are hurting them by stigmatising the characteristics of who live in unfree countries without basic knowledge and understanding on international political norms. It is another form of discrimination and an example of bigotry prejudice. In other words, criticizing the disadvantaged without proper contemplation or knowledge is an form of violence. Those insults serve as tools to make the weak become even weaker.

Countries are shaped by their cultures so they different. Nowadays the political climate in the world has gone low. The sanctions proposed by Washington on Chinese technology companies have started to take effect, which has fueled a complex feeling for Chinese people on whether to be patriotic or go supporting the reform of democracy. The dilemma between advancing its technological power and developing democracy is complicating. People of China can never reason those out easily. Before China becoming more democratic, strategies regarding its people’s rights and wellbeing are needed. if Washington cares about human rights it should go with governmental conversations instead of sanctioning the private companies in China. Neither an economic downturn or a neo-cold-war will benefit both sides of the people nor they will help the government in Washington win a trade war easily, in which it could leave so many people fallen into a state of being unemployed and being outdoored. It will only make the poor become even more poor or the US government had never cared. The leader of the US government now wants one thing for sure that’s to secure an America dominated world but we human beings deeply regret about it. It had worked fine in the past but now hurts. Maybe our world truely has no real democracy at all but only gambles on the money and power. Beside these, nothing has been cared properly. For instance, the great discrepancy between the rich and the poor is exaggerating. For this issue, there is no cure and sometimes a vote cannot help with low turnout rate of elections which was resulted by low confidence towards the effectiveness of voting. It is a heart-broking truth but the governments around the world have chose to ignore. Behind those issues, only one thing is clear that is our democracy has never come completely, even in the America. If the bully is really a thing that was included in our practice of democracy, I guess we the human beings have never done right.

武汉夜雨中

春风吹过身边的时候,武汉下起了夜雨。

心里涌过一阵巨大的浪,还是熟悉的氛围,武汉当时有许多的建设项目,归途中经过某个工地也很寻常,有位韩国朋友见状总是不停摄像。

一路走来,独我一人,也许因为路边是农业大学的缘故,围栏里是作物。这是武汉吗,像空城,路边有个抗议的牌匾。

宇带我去一个商场吃饭,有露台,走到露台的入口,红色到蓝色的灯带洒在身上,以为到了太平山顶观光项目

路上车来车往,轰——轰——

“武汉就是车来车往的声音,震撼人心,我听到反倒觉得心安。”

宇微笑没有做声。夜雨停了,也算生命里清冽,平淡的瞬间,背着电脑和相机,走了那么久,也不太累。习惯了武汉的景象,安静中又有些吵闹,偶尔拥挤也不太孤独。

人海里,来来往往,似乎嫌太拥挤,不过也不太孤独,这么多人还活着。

在北京的旅店,夜静,听歌曲忧愁的暖光,迷迷糊糊的睡着了,好像梦见了以前的事,醒来也快乐了很久。

窗外胡同里是刺痛的冷光,灿烂的冬阳。

北国的冬季倒没下雪。快五月了,武汉还像冬天一样,今年倒是这么冷。

也许的意义

英文中把千载难逢叫做once in a blue moon,难得一见的蓝色月亮。有时为中文感到不甘,千载难逢的意境远胜于蓝月遗事,盎格鲁文化偏于随意。以前看蒙克的画,心里总是莫名的安静,虽然他的画作后期偏向夸张的表现主义(expressionism),黑白的版画,维多利亚时代的卧病在床式样的画作,当时颇为流行,有黛玉葬花之感,生了痨病,只能卧病在床,是当时的绝症,因此请熟练的画者前来临摹最后的姿样,是最好的写真练习材料,没有什么比生病更适合静止的事,仿佛早已死了。“生命在于运动。”每次初中体育课都看到的标题。“生命在于静止。”一阵大笑。蒙克曾写信给朋友说“大家不能理解我的画作,但我必须忠于我自己,喝醉后,我看到的酒杯,是扭曲的,我因此画的扭曲的酒杯,我无法背叛我自己的感觉。我必须画出我自己的感觉。”

我有段时间在武汉的街头穿行,从东湖到江夏,我喜欢哪种自由的感觉,带上相机,后来才发现,照相,是另一种生活,没有了它,我就没有了意义。看新闻英国退欧,进行到第三次决断投票,仍是失败,不禁觉得有时候世界是那么随意,什么都可能发生,不过也不一定要接受,那些不喜欢的事。

曾经总是说,想要有意义的生活,后来觉得,似乎没有什么意义,也许,应该像Socrates一样,问到:什么是意义呢?(What does the meaningful mean?)

你一定记得,我写在纸上的那句“Je t’amie”,或不记得。夏日的晚风吹过耳边的时候,我站在匆忙的街衢上,等待着。寂然的湖边,飘拂的柳叶,湖面上夕阳温柔的倒影,生命也像无尽的等待,回眸中,一句“在看一次?这夕阳。” 这么久,好像也看不太厌。

夜幕下的远方,高速公路上的车灯照亮着公路,来来往往,黑暗里的灯光线,像火柴划过的印记,也许太黯淡,照不太亮沉寂的夜空。也似无名的爱温暖不了黑暗中里寂静的角落。

远方的楼梯,粉笔灰在墙上写着不知道的电话号码,红色防坠的铁丝网,把下午的阳光切割成碎片,留下斑驳的,灰色的阴影。楼下面是绿色的田地,我站在,阳光照不到的角落。

从此无人的夜里,我睡不着也醒不来。