自己的夜光

电影中,来自美国丹佛的邮递员去巴黎度假,已然五十有余,独有一条小狗相伴,“麻烦请问有餐馆推荐吗”当地人友善的推荐了家中餐馆,走过巴黎熙攘的公园,深夏的巴黎像梵高的向日癸,炽烈,清然,“我独身一人,却在这个时刻,突然觉得,我爱你,巴黎。“她反不像五十岁,像二十岁。最深爱的一刻。人老了,心为身缚,成了时间的俘虏。”我现在二十岁。“一位老人说,”身体是我的牢房。“

王摩诘有诗云“语笑且为乐,吾将达此生。”无人的时候,一个人看书,看到同感之处也不禁微笑,那么容易满足,有些不敢相信。重读红楼梦时,总被香菱的达观感动,为学诗而借书学习,算浪漫的人生,谁又能说中国人不懂浪漫,虽算最痛切的一种,浪漫给自己看。

“你是否觉得我们可以教人去爱?” 许久的沉默“不能”一位母亲回答。“也许我们只能让人习惯于某种联系,但不能教他去爱。爱就是爱,当然他永远都是我的儿子,但我不能教他去爱。”是美国公共广播的采访。听后总觉得很寂然,也似这拉长的沉默一般。

这世界总有阳光照不到的角落,许多个夜晚,夜光照进窗来,想,这世界上的误会这样多,实在是懒得去解释,也许不过意的事情立刻就该说出来,不然只是徒然伤情。

偶然看到“网络消失(Ghosting)”指觉得不合适但不说,只是沉默不做声,这当然是网络时代的新现象。或许觉得连说”我们不合适“的必要都没有?爱情当然没有那么容易,不过在礼仪缺乏的时代,许多不必要的自痛,也许可以免了,算是预防针。真正爱的人总不会不联系太容易失去联系,爱与不爱,也不是这么快,转瞬之间,总是早已有了底。也许生命里的相遇只是数学上两条直线的交点,再想起,也当然是最美最特别的点。

“喜欢看你微笑时候的样子”曾有人对我说。

Roaming the Open-air Marketplace Where We Shopped

A friend of mine had once told me that when she felt stressed, a marketplace would be the only cure. She likes to walk in the open air marketplaces that was sort of the ‘birth place’ of her childhood memory, and it had shaped her way of living in her early twenty something. When people were around, life cures life. At that moment when people talking and walking, she could finally feel relieved. It’s not a place for me, my place for relieving is remaining unclear. Skimming over the ocean, I stood up on the beach of Zhoushan where the pier is always busy for seafood trading and the boats moored in the harbor are waiting for a sailing to fish, I was fifteen. Roaming the beach where we had swam the sky was blue. There bottled water sold then was charging for 10 renminbi- a special price sold for visitors only even though we had better buy some and we must buy some without considering the price that had been overcharged for the sake of surviving and away from the thirsty. To seek the light of life, I can’t feel much. Sometimes not much is too much. I can’t stop thinking about the sour of life. Without money and power, our daily routines could turn to a fast draining boat. I was speechless in the circumstance of continuing fighting for a way of being that I had always been speechless. There was A song line I’ve heard that goes “my mother said to me: “Don’t stop imaging. The day you do is the day you die.” I had been touched though I barely admit it. I’ve once stopped imaging the possibility of my life, fortunately, I regrasped ability of reconstructing and reimagining for the future ahead again. With a heavy heart, I have been living in the past for a long time, partially, because the future is a way I barely think about. I have no way to hide but forward.I want to find you but surrounded by nothing, nothing surrounded by us. People would never stop hurting, but I have stood up just for myself. Needless to say, I am still dreaming for my life. I have a plan that is my life is my life so you were part of it or not, it doesn’t matter. it is like an island separated from the mainland as we are the sea as the island that dotted in the ocean likes thoughts of ours standing on the ocean. I have always hoped you would be there to stay with me, someday.

Before Emerging Nations Getting More Democratic, A Democratically Shaped Strategy Is Needed.

The paradox of democracy about China is that because it is a pseudo-dictatorship or one-rule state, it deserves no good. Ironically speaking, the US has pledged to maintain a fairer and democratic world for a long time that people have all believed that a real thing without doubting. Then comes the reality. Currently this pledge may remain a powerful one but it has been showing to be weakened as recent policy like America First implemented for its own gain has started to crack its relations with some emerging nations.

The rough and arbitrary military actions, performed by this government, had hurt so many people, not only who live in the Vietnam and Afghanistan but also in Yemen, and caused a trail of catastrophic tragedies and war crimes. The killings of ordinary citizens, which had happened not only in Yemen during its civil war converted into a proxy war backed by Saudi but also in Iraq and other places with different forms, had left many broken hearts uncured, some of whom lost their beloved ones struggled to find ways to survive. There the power of interventional policies implemented to global community against countries that don’t act democratically has been abused.

Every country deserves to thrive though there is no guarantee of that. And every single person’s basic rights need to be respected. Additionally an equal treatment for all is needed, which means respecting the universal declaration of human rights. We know democracy is not a thing that could happen over night especially in emerging nations. Instead it demands generation over generation’s efforts to make it come into shape. Mostly, not only hard-working is needed but maybe bloodsheds, too. Folks under dictatorial reign are on the verge of a vulnerable situation. But the people who live in the “freed” countries are hurting them by stigmatising the characteristics of who live in unfree countries without basic knowledge and understanding on international political norms. It is another form of discrimination and an example of bigotry prejudice. In other words, criticizing the disadvantaged without proper contemplation or knowledge is an form of violence. Those insults serve as tools to make the weak become even weaker.

Countries are shaped by their cultures so they different. Nowadays the political climate in the world has gone low. The sanctions proposed by Washington on Chinese technology companies have started to take effect, which has fueled a complex feeling for Chinese people on whether to be patriotic or go supporting the reform of democracy. The dilemma between advancing its technological power and developing democracy is complicating. People of China can never reason those out easily. Before China becoming more democratic, strategies regarding its people’s rights and wellbeing are needed. if Washington cares about human rights it should go with governmental conversations instead of sanctioning the private companies in China. Neither an economic downturn or a neo-cold-war will benefit both sides of the people nor they will help the government in Washington win a trade war easily, in which it could leave so many people fallen into a state of being unemployed and being outdoored. It will only make the poor become even more poor or the US government had never cared. The leader of the US government now wants one thing for sure that’s to secure an America dominated world but we human beings deeply regret about it. It had worked fine in the past but now hurts. Maybe our world truely has no real democracy at all but only gambles on the money and power. Beside these, nothing has been cared properly. For instance, the great discrepancy between the rich and the poor is exaggerating. For this issue, there is no cure and sometimes a vote cannot help with low turnout rate of elections which was resulted by low confidence towards the effectiveness of voting. It is a heart-broking truth but the governments around the world have chose to ignore. Behind those issues, only one thing is clear that is our democracy has never come completely, even in the America. If the bully is really a thing that was included in our practice of democracy, I guess we the human beings have never done right.

武汉夜雨中

春风吹过身边的时候,武汉下起了夜雨。

心里涌过一阵巨大的浪,还是熟悉的氛围,武汉当时有许多的建设项目,归途中经过某个工地也很寻常,有位韩国朋友见状总是不停摄像。

一路走来,独我一人,也许因为路边是农业大学的缘故,围栏里是作物。这是武汉吗,像空城,路边有个抗议的牌匾。

宇带我去一个商场吃饭,有露台,走到露台的入口,红色到蓝色的灯带洒在身上,以为到了太平山顶观光项目

路上车来车往,轰——轰——

“武汉就是车来车往的声音,震撼人心,我听到反倒觉得心安。”

宇微笑没有做声。夜雨停了,也算生命里清冽,平淡的瞬间,背着电脑和相机,走了那么久,也不太累。习惯了武汉的景象,安静中又有些吵闹,偶尔拥挤也不太孤独。

人海里,来来往往,似乎嫌太拥挤,不过也不太孤独,这么多人还活着。

在北京的旅店,夜静,听歌曲忧愁的暖光,迷迷糊糊的睡着了,好像梦见了以前的事,醒来也快乐了很久。

窗外胡同里是刺痛的冷光,灿烂的冬阳。

北国的冬季倒没下雪。快五月了,武汉还像冬天一样,今年倒是这么冷。

也许的意义

英文中把千载难逢叫做once in a blue moon,难得一见的蓝色月亮。有时为中文感到不甘,千载难逢的意境远胜于蓝月遗事,盎格鲁文化偏于随意。以前看蒙克的画,心里总是莫名的安静,虽然他的画作后期偏向夸张的表现主义(expressionism),黑白的版画,维多利亚时代的卧病在床式样的画作,当时颇为流行,有黛玉葬花之感,生了痨病,只能卧病在床,是当时的绝症,因此请熟练的画者前来临摹最后的姿样,是最好的写真练习材料,没有什么比生病更适合静止的事,仿佛早已死了。“生命在于运动。”每次初中体育课都看到的标题。“生命在于静止。”一阵大笑。蒙克曾写信给朋友说“大家不能理解我的画作,但我必须忠于我自己,喝醉后,我看到的酒杯,是扭曲的,我因此画的扭曲的酒杯,我无法背叛我自己的感觉。我必须画出我自己的感觉。”

我有段时间在武汉的街头穿行,从东湖到江夏,我喜欢哪种自由的感觉,带上相机,后来才发现,照相,是另一种生活,没有了它,我就没有了意义。看新闻英国退欧,进行到第三次决断投票,仍是失败,不禁觉得有时候世界是那么随意,什么都可能发生,不过也不一定要接受,那些不喜欢的事。

曾经总是说,想要有意义的生活,后来觉得,似乎没有什么意义,也许,应该像Socrates一样,问到:什么是意义呢?(What does the meaningful mean?)

你一定记得,我写在纸上的那句“Je t’amie”,或不记得。夏日的晚风吹过耳边的时候,我站在匆忙的街衢上,等待着。寂然的湖边,飘拂的柳叶,湖面上夕阳温柔的倒影,生命也像无尽的等待,回眸中,一句“在看一次?这夕阳。” 这么久,好像也看不太厌。

夜幕下的远方,高速公路上的车灯照亮着公路,来来往往,黑暗里的灯光线,像火柴划过的印记,也许太黯淡,照不太亮沉寂的夜空。也似无名的爱温暖不了黑暗中里寂静的角落。

远方的楼梯,粉笔灰在墙上写着不知道的电话号码,红色防坠的铁丝网,把下午的阳光切割成碎片,留下斑驳的,灰色的阴影。楼下面是绿色的田地,我站在,阳光照不到的角落。

从此无人的夜里,我睡不着也醒不来。