Roaming the open air marketplace where we shopped

A friend of mine told me that when she felt stressed a marketplace is the only cure, when people around, life cures life, at the moment people talking, walking she could finally relieved. It’s not a place for me, my place is my heart, my good heart. Skimming over the ocean, as time goes by, once I stood up on the beach of Zhoushan, I was fifteen, roaming the beach where we swam, the sky is blue, bottled water sold for 5 renminbi, a special price for visitors only, we bought some, for the sake of survive, to away from the thirsty. Seek the light of life, I don’t feel much, but sometimes not much is too much, I can’t stop thinking about the sour of life, without money and power, our routines turn to a fast draining boat. I was speechless, I always speechless.

A song lyric wrote “my mother said to me:”Don’t stop imaging. The day you do is the day you die.” I was been touched, I barely admit it, I’ve once stopped imaging the possibility of my life, fortunately, I grasped it again, with a heavy heart, I live in the past, partially, future is a way I barely think about it. I have no way to hide but forward.

I want to find you but surrounded by nothing, nothing surrounded by us. People never stop hurting, but I stood up, for myself, needless to say, I still dreaming, I dream it for my life.

I have a plan, my life is my life, you were part of it or not, it dosen’t matter, like a island separted from the mainland, we are the sea,the island that dotted in the ocean likes a little thought of mine, I hope you were there, always.

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无人的时候

“你有什么压力可以和我讲,毕竟我们一起高潮过。”听歌曲唱到“Do you need more”时,我还在床上,一个人。电影《绝美之城》开场的派对,孤独的时候最喜欢看。“奶奶,你对衰老有什么感受?”“奇怪的问题,老了就是精力没有年轻的时候好了。”“喜欢年轻的时候还是老了的时候?”“当然是喜欢年轻的时候,谁不喜欢呢。”空气中都是尘埃,是不礼貌的提问,可是知道结果的时候,心里还是一阵刺痛。“还是要找个朋友。”最怕听到的话,像在胸口割了一刀。做爱反而很容易,可能是都有需求?我总觉得爱应该是无目的,深爱的人,反而不敢开口问一句“你还好吧?”把一切留在回忆里。我走过你家楼下的那个夏天。我穿的也是这件白色背心。去吃了一碗杂酱面,再上楼来找你,我们都无言,夏日的阳光穿进你的房间。你也很小心,怕我不喜欢。“我看了你一个晚上。”我听后很震惊,很想说“我爱你。”“我爱你,就当一天的情侣也好吧”,你对我说。“我爱你,老公。”“亲一个。”我当然是真心的,永远都是。

回去的出租车上,经过长江大桥的时候,世界真大,我以为机会有很多,但只想和你一起。眼泪不知觉留下来,司机在前面,我戴了墨镜,看着太阳,看了很久,曾经看新闻报道有人从长江跳下去,极恐怖的一幕。平时最喜欢去司门口看长江。“听说一起走过长江大桥的人,后来一定会分手。”当然是最荒谬的玩笑话,听后心里也不免一阵心酸,最怕想起你的时候,长江从心里流过去,是生命里最美又最痛的时候。岸边有个男子,下水游泳,似乎要横渡,水流遄疾,他游了很久只往东漂流了些距离,长江东流,他看了很触目。夕阳暗淡的暖光,是武汉最温柔的时候,他很心痛。

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曾经的夜

I was so sad to walk along with you. Because I was so eger to be with you.

我又去了那条街,曾陪你去检测身体。盛夏的午后,我让你擦了防晒霜。你去检测HIV,工作人员很淡然。疾控正在装修,走廊全白,地上堆着施工残渣,精致的废墟。

“别看着我,不然别人以为我们发生了……”不知道为什么,我那天很激动…

可能因为那个中年检测员用斜眼看着我们。

你倒是没有生气,反而安慰似的,对我微笑,似乎也无可奈何。

后来再想起,心里都很难过,算bitersweet。

流了很多汗。“不能检测”中年女性张口说,我陪你另去了一家医院。

路经一家水果店。“你如果开家水果店就好了,应该很适合你。”你对我说。

后来你的结果是阴性,我们都松了口气。那张单子我一直都留着。

后来不经意翻到了,总会想起你来。

总会想起你来。