A beautiful secret glance

I exchanged a secret glance with myself in the mirror and stood motionless. I was stunned by the memories brought to me with the perfume, not because of their clarity, but because they gathered together the whole long period. When we traveled to Hangzhou, a tiny loft room was the place we stayed, you were happy to talk about the future. I felt in my each minute that I had lived with you, and now our life together was whole as only the past can be whole. I was in a state of nostalgic.

When I was in Beijing it was hard to fall asleep that I had to listen some music for help, once when I heard a song named Sentimental sunshine, a kind of luxury hotel lounge music, I was not a fan before but then I was.

In a very fine morning of Beijing. “You are skinny now, you don’t have to be.” You said to me beside a subway station on the Fengtai of Beijing. I was speechless at the moment, then you suggested to hauling a cab, “Where would you like to go?””I have no idea.” “How about a massage therapy””I’m okay with that.”

We hugged on a alley of Beijing in the late night, a hug against eyesights of pedestrians’, “I like you.” you said to me. “It always took time to say the words like that in our mother language, but I cannot wait to say it to you, I like you, all the time.” I knew that all the time sometime means a periodical one, though, I was still satisfied with that,”I like you too.” I replied. We may never meet again, I know there is a river between us.

Roaming the streets of HK, the suitcase I brought was a bit heavy, I shouldn’t brought this, just a backpack is enough. A bitter smile fleeting through my face, I was following your path, a way went back to Shenzhen, winter in there always warm.

In a sea of people, I was searching for something. I can not stop to be nostalgic, but I take camera on, walk around as a part of the sea of people.

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Roaming the open air marketplace where we shopped

A friend of mine told me that when she felt stressed a marketplace is the only cure, when people around, life cures life, at the moment people talking, walking she could finally relieved. It’s not a place for me, my place is my heart, my good heart. Skimming over the ocean, as time goes by, once I stood up on the beach of Zhoushan, I was fifteen, roaming the beach where we swam, the sky is blue, bottled water sold for 5 renminbi, a special price for visitors only, we bought some, for the sake of survive, to away from the thirsty. Seek the light of life, I don’t feel much, but sometimes not much is too much, I can’t stop thinking about the sour of life, without money and power, our routines turn to a fast draining boat. I was speechless, I always speechless.

A song lyric wrote “my mother said to me:”Don’t stop imaging. The day you do is the day you die.” I was been touched, I barely admit it, I’ve once stopped imaging the possibility of my life, fortunately, I grasped it again, with a heavy heart, I live in the past, partially, future is a way I barely think about it. I have no way to hide but forward.

I want to find you but surrounded by nothing, nothing surrounded by us. People never stop hurting, but I stood up, for myself, needless to say, I still dreaming, I dream it for my life.

I have a plan, my life is my life, you were part of it or not, it dosen’t matter, like a island separted from the mainland, we are the sea,the island that dotted in the ocean likes a little thought of mine, I hope you were there, always.

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Summer we belong

For every life, seek the light,I am listening the song For Emma, we shared summer, you came to my life, the time I got ill, in the hospital also the time you saw me. You searched me on the social network, send me a message with a humbled tone:”I saw you. can we have a date?” I must say, I love this way, that was the time I isolated myself away from the outside, you are the unblockable sunshine cross the mist of the mountain, a light stright forward, in to the heart, a recluse suddenly find something a really nice to have, that’s the power of love started from a little talk, “where have you saw me?” I replied with unsure.”in the hospital, I saw you and was in crash with you. I like you.” that was a time a ordinary summer turns a really special summer. I was afriad that you were a one night stand person, maybe you are. I want to find a love, because finally only love could last then, I could always remember the time that summer cames, we were all along, now, you were gone, I know it, and I never ask, not even once, nothing but memories, love not just love.

River flows, I got a long walk, willows all around, summer comes around, I love summer, because of it’s strong lights, like the love, makes you wake  also makes you strong, a cruel contrast.

As time goes by

As we have been told that we should writing dairy every day, we take this action into a useless and painfully routine, hard to say so, but it is hard to me.

I remember so many days, as time passed away, time leaves us nothing but lingering memories. We were happy, somedays life turns into blue. I fall in loved so many times, I had so many men, they goes stright into my body, and also into my heart, I used to searching for something, when the night come, the light turns off, the pale light. grass and flowers decorating the roadside, little by little, we just walk around hillside, there are three of us, it was the right time, we were so young, that really means something, and really means life, It looks like we are really living.

Then, you have find a man, who treat you harshly, I can offer nothing but compassionate, I am a gay, I can also help me nothing but a self-compassion, sometimes, I guess, this is the life, we meant to be like this, with such a painful journey, we suffers in our early 20s, yes, we are young, also means new and stupid sometimes, but it dosen’t mean we couldn’t enjoy it, we do truely value it.

It just like, we are at the middle of the day, everything is heating up and then falling down, no matter what we are, we are who we are.

Now and then

Life is meant to be lived, once we have been taught that we should never expect something unreal, our life has been turning into to a black hole, beautiful leaves flowing on the water, the water waving, leaves me nothing but thoughtfulness. the far away of the water, sky is kissing the surface of the water, the water waving, my heart too. I have never expect something unreal,and all I have, is my ownself, I am not like a strange person walking on a strange road. People differs.

When the cherry flowers bloomed, it’s early spring, I can always remember the days I am in Wuhan, a populated city in Central China, the Yangtze River flows through the city center, once upon a time, I was standing beside the river, I feel can see the world in a different way, suddenly, I feel I am alive, a unprecedentedly thrill. Someday,I am siting beside the working table, and I checked my email inbox, I saw nothing but advertisement mails, I knew exactly one thing, the gone, is gone. And I, have to go. Now and then.

Although, I missed you so much. Like the winter, suffering from the cold, I can through the winter, waiting the melting of the ice, when you came in, I can see you again, but I have never expect it, at least in the real world, you know, it’s just in my heart.